Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Gods - Chakras

Root - Ganesh
Sacral - Freya
Solar Plexus - Durga
Heart - the Morrigan
Throat - Shiva
Third Eye - Horus
Crown - Cernunnos

People in my life - Chakras

Root -
Sacral -
Solar Plexus - Kelly
Heart - Gerard
Throat -
Third Eye -
Crown -

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Geeky tattoo leg sleeve ideas

  • Avatar- Korra
  • Battlestar Galactica - Cylon
  • Buffy - Dark Willow
  • DC - Wonder Woman
  • Dr Who - Sonic Screwdriver
  • Dune - bene gesserit
  • Fullmetal Alchemist - gate of truth
  • Haruki Murakami - wind-up bird
  • Marvel - Jessica Jones
  • Marvel - Rachel Grey
  • Marvel - Thor
  • Marvel - Wiccan
  • Mass Effect - Mordin Solus
  • Naruto - Sage Naruto
  • Nightvale - khoshekh with tentacles
  • Star Trek - pin or ship silhouette
  • Steven Universe - Garnet
  • Studio Ghibli - Princess Mononoke
  • Terry Pratchet - Disc World

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Fears and Anxieties as I reenter the world

  • Fat: I'm exercising and eating better. I've already lost some weight. I'm not unlovable because of my weight. I can be attractive and larger than my ideal weight. 
  • No money: I'm working on it. I get $10 a week, which isn't a lot but it's something. I'm working my way through the county program and may get some help with training. Goal noise is to get a job with benefits. Goal in the future maybe go to school. 
  • No space: Not much I can do about that, but it'll resolve in time. 
  • No transportation: I have public transit and my feet for now. I'll eventually have the funds to maintain my car again. 
  • Getting pulled into others expectations: I'm not obligated to do anything I don't want to do. Even if I was in a relationship I am still me. Fuck others expectations. What do I want. If it makes me uncomfortable then no, I won't do it. 
  • Don't want to be a boy: then don't. 
  • Don't want a relationship: then don't be. Just because you fuck someone or care about them doesn't mean you have to meld your lives. 
  • Can't be social or loved because of the above: fuck that. Do what you want, what you are able to do right now. If someone can't understand your limits then fuck them. It's their problem, not yours. You are whole as you are. You are ok. You are you and that is enough. 

Monday, June 19, 2017

Maintaining myself

It's been fairly easy in this hermit lifestyle to maintain a sense of myself, even if I wasn't sure what I wanted it of life. Now though that I'm venturing out into the world in getting overwhelmed and my sense of self and personal integrity is getting blurred.

I've always been an empath, probably as a self defense mechanism in an unstable household where my well-being depended on my parents capricious emotional states. It has its advantages. It's easy for me to read motivations and internal desires. But it also means I get lost in all the data points in analyzing. Micro expressions, subtle pauses or intonation changes, body language, smell… I lose track of who I am and what I want.

This applies to friends, family, room mates, romantic and sexual relationships, doctors, social workers, and employers.

I need to remember that I don't have to change my life to fit other people. I can maintain myself and still have relationships. I have no obligation to accommodate anyone.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Never going to move forward

I'm not going to get out of this. I'm going to be stuck in office jobs I hate for the rest if my life. I was hoping I could use the county vocational training to try something new, but my situation isn't going to be stable enough to do that. J is seriously cracking under the strain of maintaining her marriage. I'm worried that she's going to blow it all up before she even has a job. And so here I am, stuck in another situation where I can't take care of myself because I have to take care of someone else. In fact, that's what this divorce feels like. Like I'm going to be taking care of my brother's kids. I'm stuck and I'm never going to get out.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Starting to feel like I'm spinning plates

So my life finally seems to be getting some traction. I have the job services at the county building, new depression meds, a diagnosis for ADHD and the promise of medication for that starting next month, regular exercise and meditation, been reading healthier, made some therapy breakthroughs, and I've started to make some new friends. All this is ramping up, and I feel myself starting to panic. After doing so little for so long, can I really do this?

One constant in my life that I start to feel like I'm juggling, or spinning plates, and I have to exert a tremendous effort to keep it all from crashing down. Eventually I run out of stamina and it does come crashing down. I don't want to repeat this pattern. I want my life to be manageable. I'm hoping that once I start treating the ADHD this feeling will fade. But I have no guarantee. I'm scared. I need medication and I need tools. I'm broke, but I need a book I think.

I'm also worried about the social thing because I have no money. I've been punting, but this is quickly going to become a problem. I need a solution for this. I should talk to my brother. :(

Gods - Chakras

Root - Ganesh Sacral - Freya Solar Plexus - Durga Heart - the Morrigan Throat - Shiva Third Eye - Horus Crown - Cernunnos