Tuesday, August 8, 2017

New kind of boy

I'm realizing that I can't do this Daddy/boy relationship like I have done Dom/sub in the past. I've been slipping into old patterns and the protocol, instead of fostering subspace, has been oppressive.

In previous D/s relationships I saw myself as inferior: a slave with value only in being owned, a child who didn't know how to be a man, a son who was desperate for a father's love. But now, for the first time in my life I see myself as a man. I am injured and scarred but also strong and capable. I don't need a Dom to save me. I can save my own damned self.

I need to challenge my relationship with the sub role. I don't have to sound timid when I say "Daddy." I can call him "Sir" with a deep, confident voice. I can disagree with him and have my own opinions. I do not need to be any less myself just because I wear a collar. When I submit I am lending him my strength but I am not weak, or fragile, or less than.

I am enough in and of myself. I don't need anyone to complete me.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Things i'm afraid of

i am absolutely terrified that i'm not going to find anyone to hire me. And even if i do, will i be able to keep the job without fucking it up? And will i be able to juggle this new (presumably) office job and go back to school so i can become an adult and have a real career? Will i be able to save money for when i'm old?

Will my doctor take pity on me and proscribe the medicines i need to function or will they find some reason to deny me? Will i be able to exercise and lose weight and be healthy or will i fall into old patterns and get humongous again? Will Kelly lose interest in me?

Will i be able to make enough money so that Kelly and i can live together? Will i be able to find a place for us to live in the city? And if not in the city will Kelly feel fulfilled living in suburbs? Will He resent me for holding him back? Would i be ok living in the suburbs? Will i be able to take Slick with me? Will she be heartbroken to be separated from Minerva? Will Minerva be ok? Will Jesse and the kids be ok? Will i be abandoning them?

Is all this "self sufficiency" just a blip and will i collapse back into myself? Am i just deluding myself to think i can make a life work? Will Kelly see how broken i really am and chose to run away from the drama? Will my job (when i get one) see how unqualified i am and fire me? Will the community i've becoming a part of see the pathetic poser that i am and shun me?

How long can i trick people into liking me before this all blows up?

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Overwhelmed and Overstimulated

Today was not a good day. I had my first group therapy session: a mindfulness meditation class. I've been doing so well with my solitary chakra meditations that when my therapist suggested this I thought maybe it would be ok. It was not. As we practiced I was swamped with emotion seemingly out of nowhere. It was like I was drowing in an overwhelming flood. When the session ended I was sad and irritated and exhausted, and I had a headache.

I walked home confused. The meditation was very similar to what I do daily, so why was my group experience so different from my solo experience? I reached out on Facebook to see if any of my friends had some insight.

Raven commented within minutes, "I am pretty sure I have told you before you are empathic and slightly spongy (for a lack of a better word) lol... I am not sure group meditation is best for ya... in my pagan opinion."

I replied, "I hadn't considered that being entirely present in the moment would include letting down my guards to the other participants emotions as well… I definitely am spongy, not going to argue with you there. I guess it makes sense that I'd respond this way, and that the flood would feel liked it came out of nowhere. Thanks, you've given me a new perspective on this."

I thought back to this weekend when Kelly and I were dancing and I got overstimulated. Maybe in opening myself up to the music I opened myself further to the energy of the crowd, and in struggling under the weight of their feelings I became hyperaware of their attentions and desire, to the point of paranoia.

I thought about my living situation and how I feel overwhelmed and irritable ever since the kids got out of school. Maybe their large emotions and being home all the time, combined with my lack of personal space, have left me feeling energetically accosted.

I think I need to keep in mind my empathic nature and porous aura when I interact with the world. And I am in desperate need of learning more effective shielding and warding techniques. If I want to engage with the world I need to find out how not to get swept away by it. I feel like a young X-Man who hasn't properly learned how to control his gifts and keeps hurting himself.

And as for today, I am worn out and done. Nonconsensual energy exchange leaves me feeling drained and violated. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017


Things are going well. Well enough that I'm concerned I may be secretly ignoring issues or red flags. I know this much, my medication is working. None of the SSRI's I've been on over the years have helped with my anxiety or depression one tenth as much as the doloxetine. I didn't know it was possible to feel this way. I know I have a high pain tolerance. I wonder if that applies to emotional pain as well and that's how I've survived all these years. The ADHD med is helpful as well, but I'm still on a super low dose. It'll be interesting to see how my life changes as we reach a stable point with that.

And again, it's all going so well that I'm nervous. Is this sustainable? Are all my demons just waiting in the wings to attack with renewed force? idk.

And then there is Kelly. I think I'm falling in love with him, and that's terrifying. Am I betraying Gerard? I swore I'd never love again. Am I diving into a new relationship so that I don't have to find a place of security within myself?

Mostly I don't think that's a problem. I feel very uncomfortable with Kelly when I don't feel like we're interacting as equals, so I don't think I'm looking to him to save me. That's why I'm hesitant about a Daddy/boy relationship with him. I can probably do Dom/sub, that feels less dependant. My Daddy/boy relationship with Gerard also plays into that. I don't want to try and recreate what I've lost. Maybe just calling him Sir our Papi or something instead of Dad…

As for betraying Gerard, I don't think he'd see it that way. He'd want me to find someone to love, he told me so many times. And it's not like I'm the only one growing and changing. When I've made contact with Gerard in the beyond he seemed different: healthy, confident, full of vitality and purpose. He also seemed busy. That's good, it means he's happy and continuing to grow. It means he's healing. I need to do the same.

So am I progressing? Yes. Am I scared I'll fail? Hell yeah I am. Is that going to stop me? Fuck no.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Gods - Chakras

Root - Ganesh
Sacral - Freyr
Solar Plexus - Durga
Heart - Freya
Throat - Shiva
Third Eye - Horus
Crown - Cernunnos

People in my life - Chakras

Root -
Sacral -
Solar Plexus - Kelly
Heart - Gerard
Throat -
Third Eye -
Crown -

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Geeky tattoo leg sleeve ideas

  • Avatar- Korra
  • Battlestar Galactica - Cylon
  • Buffy - Dark Willow
  • DC - Wonder Woman
  • Dr Who - Sonic Screwdriver
  • Dune - bene gesserit
  • Fullmetal Alchemist - gate of truth
  • Haruki Murakami - wind-up bird
  • Marvel - Jessica Jones
  • Marvel - Rachel Summers
  • Marvel - Thor
  • Marvel - Wiccan
  • Mass Effect - Mordin Solus
  • Naruto - Sage Naruto
  • Nightvale - khoshekh with tentacles
  • Star Trek - pin or ship silhouette
  • Steven Universe - Garnet
  • Studio Ghibli - Princess Mononoke
  • Terry Pratchet - Disc World

New kind of boy

I'm realizing that I can't do this Daddy/boy relationship like I have done Dom/sub in the past. I've been slipping into old patt...