Monday, June 19, 2017

Maintaining myself

It's been fairly easy in this hermit lifestyle to maintain a sense of myself, even if I wasn't sure what I wanted it of life. Now though that I'm venturing out into the world in getting overwhelmed and my sense of self and personal integrity is getting blurred.

I've always been an empath, probably as a self defense mechanism in an unstable household where my well-being depended on my parents capricious emotional states. It has its advantages. It's easy for me to read motivations and internal desires. But it also means I get lost in all the data points in analyzing. Micro expressions, subtle pauses or intonation changes, body language, smell… I lose track of who I am and what I want.

This applies to friends, family, room mates, romantic and sexual relationships, doctors, social workers, and employers.

I need to remember that I don't have to change my life to fit other people. I can maintain myself and still have relationships. I have no obligation to accommodate anyone.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Never going to move forward

I'm not going to get out of this. I'm going to be stuck in office jobs I hate for the rest if my life. I was hoping I could use the county vocational training to try something new, but my situation isn't going to be stable enough to do that. J is seriously cracking under the strain of maintaining her marriage. I'm worried that she's going to blow it all up before she even has a job. And so here I am, stuck in another situation where I can't take care of myself because I have to take care of someone else. In fact, that's what this divorce feels like. Like I'm going to be taking care of my brother's kids. I'm stuck and I'm never going to get out.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Starting to feel like I'm spinning plates

So my life finally seems to be getting some traction. I have the job services at the county building, new depression meds, a diagnosis for ADHD and the promise of medication for that starting next month, regular exercise and meditation, been reading healthier, made some therapy breakthroughs, and I've started to make some new friends. All this is ramping up, and I feel myself starting to panic. After doing so little for so long, can I really do this?

One constant in my life that I start to feel like I'm juggling, or spinning plates, and I have to exert a tremendous effort to keep it all from crashing down. Eventually I run out of stamina and it does come crashing down. I don't want to repeat this pattern. I want my life to be manageable. I'm hoping that once I start treating the ADHD this feeling will fade. But I have no guarantee. I'm scared. I need medication and I need tools. I'm broke, but I need a book I think.

I'm also worried about the social thing because I have no money. I've been punting, but this is quickly going to become a problem. I need a solution for this. I should talk to my brother. :(

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Was it a mistake?

I did something i hadn't done in a decade, that i swore i would never do again. I don't want to go back to those dark days. So I'm cautious and worried about falling back into this trap. Even so, there are a few interesting things that came out of the experience.

  1. It leveled me out. I felt calm and clear. More evidence that I need ADHD meds.
  2. I felt energy so intensely and clearly.
  3. I could manipulate energy so easily.
  4. My chakra points were on fire and I felt so in tune.
  5. It reaffirmed my belief that everything is vibrations, quantum theory.
  6. It was spiritual, it seemed like evidence that we are inherently beings of energy. Which gave me hope that Gerard still exists.
  7. I was able to cast spells and see their effect. I reforged my withered bond with Gerard and made contact with him in his plane of existence.
  8. I felt his love, and peace and acceptance from him.
  9. I felt that I was ok, perfect the way I am and I should live in what makes me unique.
There was more, but I can't remember it all at the moment.  I don't want to go back to regular or even occasional usage, there are far better substances for spiritual experiences.  But I am glad I did it.  It rekindled the spark of hope inside me.  It gave me room to be spiritual again.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Gerard vision

I did some magic to find Gerard. I looked for WG get he went when he died, went back to the moment of his death when i saw him disappear. I saw the room grow dark as he left his body. I saw him go to the lake with the black and white robbed men and the boat, and then i couldn't follow him anymore. I saw our bond we had forged broken as he traveled from this life into the next where I couldn't follow. I went back to the bond and did another spell to repair it. I talked to him, asked him questions. Did he blame me? No. Was he upset with how i used the insurance money? He understood how hard it was for me and was glad it helped give me some time to deal with my pain. Did he feel hurt that i was pissy there night he died? He felt responsible for my difficulties and thought I'd be better if it he just passed away. That's why he let go. That's why he put the bond aside. He was trying to give me space to live. I apologized, said i love him. He said he loves me too and that he wasn't mad or hurt, he just wanted the best for me. He seemed happy and well. I asked if he still wanted to be together and he emphatically said yes.

I suddenly remembered all these wonderful moments we had that i have been blocked from. So many memories, one after the next for an hour or more. And then i saw what he wanted. He always says he wished we had met when he was my age, and i saw these what ifs, this perfect world were i want abused and we were the she age and young and healthy. We danced and traveled and fucked and had a home. We adopted a child. We lived and shone so bright. It was breath takingly beautiful.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Trying to be social and it's scary

My therapist keeps wanting me to be more social, so on a whim I downloaded a dating app. It's an odd choice, cause I really don't want to be dating anyone. I'm not even sure if I want to hook up. I mean I get super horny, but I don't know if I'm ready for that. I'm so wary around people in general. As an experiment I was completely honest on my profile. I disclosed my HIV status at the top, I put that I'm a widow and that I'm just looking for friends. At least I don't feel like I'm hiding anything. Someone even asked me what I do for work and I said nanny without it feeling too awkward.

But now this guy wants to meet up and I don't know how I feel about that. He seems nice, and there was some chemistry. He just wants to meet for dinner. Meanwhile I don't have any money, or a place we could have sex if it got that far... even if I did I would still be scared I think. Not that kind of first date nervousness either. Full on afraid. There is no outcome to any of this which isn't terrifying for me. Good is awful because I am not ready to let someone in. Bad is awful because... of all the reasons bad dates are awful, lol. Even middle of the road blah is terrible. I don't feel ready.

But honestly, will I ever feel ready? I don't want to be doing any of this. So why am I? I seem to be saying that a lot lately.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Attempting to tolerate the unbearable

Daniel sat in his car, listening to his mother yell, and cry, and quote scripture as she punctuated her condemnations with professions of love. He had spent uncountable nights crying over the choice he was being forced to make. And although the pain remained acute, he was unable to shed any more tears. All that remained was a nearly audible tearing sensation.

He gazed through the window, next to where he had parked his car. "She says she loves me," he thought, "but she doesn't even know me. And when I try to show her who I am, she gets angry. I suppose she's worried she'll lose me."

The tearing feeling grew stronger.

Daniel did love his mother, and more than an average parent/child relationship, he felt he understood her. From an early age he was his mother's confidant. He had spent his whole life getting inside her head and her heart; he loved the artistic strength that was her personal bedrock. More and more though, Daniel realized his mother would not be reciprocating that attention. She seemed almost exclusively interested in the ways he mirrored her.

For the majority of his life this state of affairs had seemed natural, she was after all a holy woman. She had shared many of her sacred experiences, like the time Daniel and his siblings had come from the preexistence to ask the blessing of being born to her, or the time Christ had appeared to her in the temple and promised her an elect place in heaven, or all the times angels and prophets had ministered to her in her home.

Daniel had fully dissociated by this point.

The sound of his mother's voice and the minutes flowed incomprehensibly past him. Eventually her cadence slowed and her volume decreased: she had worn herself out. As Daniel hung up the phone and got out of his car, he saw that the sun was setting. He climbed the stairs to his apartment wondering how he was going to get through another day of this. Without eating dinner Daniel climbed into bed. He lay there numbly in the dark unable to sleep. He wasn't lucid enough to form coherent thoughts, but the hot pain in his heart was at the center of his attention and in the back of his mind, a tearing sensation that grew with each breath.

Maintaining myself

It's been fairly easy in this hermit lifestyle to maintain a sense of myself, even if I wasn't sure what I wanted it of life. Now th...