Talking

I went to see the social worker today. She mostly just sat there and let me talk. I don't know why I was expecting something more. I know all the things that they tell you already. I've done therapy before and I'm aware of the stages of grief. It felt good to talk though.

Maybe the group will be better. I contacted the LGBT center and they have a bereavement group that meets twice a week. I'm looking forward to that. I don't know why, but I think talking with other gay widows would help. Right now no one who is giving me advice has ever been in my position, and while I feel that they have good intentions, I don't think they understand what I'm going through.

I want to die

I don't want to live without Gerard. He was so kind and warm and wonderful. He was the reason I got out of bed in the morning, my reason for breathing. He was the sum of my hopes and dreams. With him gone not only do I have nothing left to live for, but I don't want to live at all. A world without him is not one I want to live in.

Short Notice

Since Gerard died I do not have the money to stay in our apartment. I have to move this weekend. Because I couldn't do much packing last weekend since everything was closed for the holiday, I asked my boss if I could have a day or a half day off this week. She said no, because it was too short notice.

That's so fucking ridiculous. Like I planned for Gerard to die. That came with no fucking notice! She is such a bitch. God.

My life is over

My husband passed away. Tomorrow at noon it will be three weeks. I am devastated, laid barren. I have no dreams, no hope, no warmth to live for. I'm getting out of bed each morning because people tell me I should. But the truth that I tell no one is that I died the day he died. So why should I live?

There is nothing I want to do without him. I come to work, try and do my job, but there is no purpose.

Everything makes me mad. Work, people, the sun. I can't bear that he was taken away from me.

Possible Issues

* Dealing with Gerard's health

* Dealing with Gerard's eventual death

* Dealing with hating my family

* Pushing away my past, not letting myself feel those happy memories so that I can still hate my family

* Dealing with hating god

* Pushing away my past, not letting myself feel tender or kindly disposed towards god so that I can still hate god

* Needing to hate my past so that my ego doesn't disintegrate

* Using anger and hate as a shield

* Afraid to let the walls down and feel what another person is feeling

* Afraid to let my resentment for my situation with Gerard show

* Afraid to show my feelings of being trapped

* Afraid to be disappointed about where I am in life

* Afraid to feel pleasure cause it's gross, cause I'm a fat gross lecher

* Afraid that I am what I fear I am

* Afraid that others will see all of that and agree

* Afraid that I am not special, that I am not talented or smart or funny or good looking

* Afraid that I am not just average but pretentious and pitiable

* Afraid to trust others in case I am the butt of a joke that I haven't caught on to yet

* Afraid to let others close because they just cut you, or you cut them

* Afraid that life is just pain and everything else is a lie

* Afraid that there is no after life and this is it, this miserable fucking slimeball of a life is all there is

* Afraid to be afraid because I'll never get out of it

* Afraid to be a cry baby

* Afraid to offend people or stand up for myself lest they cut me down

* Afraid that I am just as pathetic as my father always said I was

* Afraid that my mother's illness is hereditary

* Afraid that I am just as much of a bastard as the rest of my family

* Afraid that there is no escape

Confused

I don't really know what to do with myself right now. I am having a difficult time focusing at work and at home. I feel so conflicted and angry about so many things. I don't know why I can't get my shit together. I can't understand why it's so difficult. Why does my psyche have to be such a mystery?

My current therapist says that I am running away from my emotions and/or thoughts. He says the way I'm managing my life is fear based. And while I feel like a lot of that is true, I don't know what I am running away from.

See, here is the problem, I am only good at getting myself to do "fantasy" things. Anything based in reality from cleaning, to work, exercise, and even art and sex make me feel nervous and I start to have a panic attack. So I spend my time watching movies, playing video games and reading manga.

What the fuck and I running from and why am I so good at hiding things from myself?

I mean, what else can there be that I haven't dealt with already? I've got the sexual abuse from my grandfather, the physical and verbal abuse from my father, the emotional and spiritual and financial abuse of my mother. I have the betrayal of my church and of god. I have my hatred for my family, and my repressed anger at the world in general. I have my sexuality. I have my fear of Gerard dying, my self hatred and guilt. My feelings of helplessness with Gerard.

The stuff at the end feels like I haven't really dealt with it. Maybe that's what it's about? I do feel so helpless.