Confused

I don't really know what to do with myself right now. I am having a difficult time focusing at work and at home. I feel so conflicted and angry about so many things. I don't know why I can't get my shit together. I can't understand why it's so difficult. Why does my psyche have to be such a mystery?

My current therapist says that I am running away from my emotions and/or thoughts. He says the way I'm managing my life is fear based. And while I feel like a lot of that is true, I don't know what I am running away from.

See, here is the problem, I am only good at getting myself to do "fantasy" things. Anything based in reality from cleaning, to work, exercise, and even art and sex make me feel nervous and I start to have a panic attack. So I spend my time watching movies, playing video games and reading manga.

What the fuck and I running from and why am I so good at hiding things from myself?

I mean, what else can there be that I haven't dealt with already? I've got the sexual abuse from my grandfather, the physical and verbal abuse from my father, the emotional and spiritual and financial abuse of my mother. I have the betrayal of my church and of god. I have my hatred for my family, and my repressed anger at the world in general. I have my sexuality. I have my fear of Gerard dying, my self hatred and guilt. My feelings of helplessness with Gerard.

The stuff at the end feels like I haven't really dealt with it. Maybe that's what it's about? I do feel so helpless.