Monday, June 19, 2017

Maintaining myself

It's been fairly easy in this hermit lifestyle to maintain a sense of myself, even if I wasn't sure what I wanted it of life. Now though that I'm venturing out into the world in getting overwhelmed and my sense of self and personal integrity is getting blurred.

I've always been an empath, probably as a self defense mechanism in an unstable household where my well-being depended on my parents capricious emotional states. It has its advantages. It's easy for me to read motivations and internal desires. But it also means I get lost in all the data points in analyzing. Micro expressions, subtle pauses or intonation changes, body language, smell… I lose track of who I am and what I want.

This applies to friends, family, room mates, romantic and sexual relationships, doctors, social workers, and employers.

I need to remember that I don't have to change my life to fit other people. I can maintain myself and still have relationships. I have no obligation to accommodate anyone.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Never going to move forward

I'm not going to get out of this. I'm going to be stuck in office jobs I hate for the rest if my life. I was hoping I could use the county vocational training to try something new, but my situation isn't going to be stable enough to do that. J is seriously cracking under the strain of maintaining her marriage. I'm worried that she's going to blow it all up before she even has a job. And so here I am, stuck in another situation where I can't take care of myself because I have to take care of someone else. In fact, that's what this divorce feels like. Like I'm going to be taking care of my brother's kids. I'm stuck and I'm never going to get out.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Starting to feel like I'm spinning plates

So my life finally seems to be getting some traction. I have the job services at the county building, new depression meds, a diagnosis for ADHD and the promise of medication for that starting next month, regular exercise and meditation, been reading healthier, made some therapy breakthroughs, and I've started to make some new friends. All this is ramping up, and I feel myself starting to panic. After doing so little for so long, can I really do this?

One constant in my life that I start to feel like I'm juggling, or spinning plates, and I have to exert a tremendous effort to keep it all from crashing down. Eventually I run out of stamina and it does come crashing down. I don't want to repeat this pattern. I want my life to be manageable. I'm hoping that once I start treating the ADHD this feeling will fade. But I have no guarantee. I'm scared. I need medication and I need tools. I'm broke, but I need a book I think.

I'm also worried about the social thing because I have no money. I've been punting, but this is quickly going to become a problem. I need a solution for this. I should talk to my brother. :(

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Was it a mistake?

I did something i hadn't done in a decade, that i swore i would never do again. I don't want to go back to those dark days. So I'm cautious and worried about falling back into this trap. Even so, there are a few interesting things that came out of the experience.

  1. It leveled me out. I felt calm and clear. More evidence that I need ADHD meds.
  2. I felt energy so intensely and clearly.
  3. I could manipulate energy so easily.
  4. My chakra points were on fire and I felt so in tune.
  5. It reaffirmed my belief that everything is vibrations, quantum theory.
  6. It was spiritual, it seemed like evidence that we are inherently beings of energy. Which gave me hope that Gerard still exists.
  7. I was able to cast spells and see their effect. I reforged my withered bond with Gerard and made contact with him in his plane of existence.
  8. I felt his love, and peace and acceptance from him.
  9. I felt that I was ok, perfect the way I am and I should live in what makes me unique.
There was more, but I can't remember it all at the moment.  I don't want to go back to regular or even occasional usage, there are far better substances for spiritual experiences.  But I am glad I did it.  It rekindled the spark of hope inside me.  It gave me room to be spiritual again.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Gerard vision

I did some magic to find Gerard. I looked for WG get he went when he died, went back to the moment of his death when i saw him disappear. I saw the room grow dark as he left his body. I saw him go to the lake with the black and white robbed men and the boat, and then i couldn't follow him anymore. I saw our bond we had forged broken as he traveled from this life into the next where I couldn't follow. I went back to the bond and did another spell to repair it. I talked to him, asked him questions. Did he blame me? No. Was he upset with how i used the insurance money? He understood how hard it was for me and was glad it helped give me some time to deal with my pain. Did he feel hurt that i was pissy there night he died? He felt responsible for my difficulties and thought I'd be better if it he just passed away. That's why he let go. That's why he put the bond aside. He was trying to give me space to live. I apologized, said i love him. He said he loves me too and that he wasn't mad or hurt, he just wanted the best for me. He seemed happy and well. I asked if he still wanted to be together and he emphatically said yes.

I suddenly remembered all these wonderful moments we had that i have been blocked from. So many memories, one after the next for an hour or more. And then i saw what he wanted. He always says he wished we had met when he was my age, and i saw these what ifs, this perfect world were i want abused and we were the she age and young and healthy. We danced and traveled and fucked and had a home. We adopted a child. We lived and shone so bright. It was breath takingly beautiful.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Trying to be social and it's scary

My therapist keeps wanting me to be more social, so on a whim I downloaded a dating app. It's an odd choice, cause I really don't want to be dating anyone. I'm not even sure if I want to hook up. I mean I get super horny, but I don't know if I'm ready for that. I'm so wary around people in general. As an experiment I was completely honest on my profile. I disclosed my HIV status at the top, I put that I'm a widow and that I'm just looking for friends. At least I don't feel like I'm hiding anything. Someone even asked me what I do for work and I said nanny without it feeling too awkward.

But now this guy wants to meet up and I don't know how I feel about that. He seems nice, and there was some chemistry. He just wants to meet for dinner. Meanwhile I don't have any money, or a place we could have sex if it got that far... even if I did I would still be scared I think. Not that kind of first date nervousness either. Full on afraid. There is no outcome to any of this which isn't terrifying for me. Good is awful because I am not ready to let someone in. Bad is awful because... of all the reasons bad dates are awful, lol. Even middle of the road blah is terrible. I don't feel ready.

But honestly, will I ever feel ready? I don't want to be doing any of this. So why am I? I seem to be saying that a lot lately.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Attempting to tolerate the unbearable

Daniel sat in his car, listening to his mother yell, and cry, and quote scripture as she punctuated her condemnations with professions of love. He had spent uncountable nights crying over the choice he was being forced to make. And although the pain remained acute, he was unable to shed any more tears. All that remained was a nearly audible tearing sensation.

He gazed through the window, next to where he had parked his car. "She says she loves me," he thought, "but she doesn't even know me. And when I try to show her who I am, she gets angry. I suppose she's worried she'll lose me."

The tearing feeling grew stronger.

Daniel did love his mother, and more than an average parent/child relationship, he felt he understood her. From an early age he was his mother's confidant. He had spent his whole life getting inside her head and her heart; he loved the artistic strength that was her personal bedrock. More and more though, Daniel realized his mother would not be reciprocating that attention. She seemed almost exclusively interested in the ways he mirrored her.

For the majority of his life this state of affairs had seemed natural, she was after all a holy woman. She had shared many of her sacred experiences, like the time Daniel and his siblings had come from the preexistence to ask the blessing of being born to her, or the time Christ had appeared to her in the temple and promised her an elect place in heaven, or all the times angels and prophets had ministered to her in her home.

Daniel had fully dissociated by this point.

The sound of his mother's voice and the minutes flowed incomprehensibly past him. Eventually her cadence slowed and her volume decreased: she had worn herself out. As Daniel hung up the phone and got out of his car, he saw that the sun was setting. He climbed the stairs to his apartment wondering how he was going to get through another day of this. Without eating dinner Daniel climbed into bed. He lay there numbly in the dark unable to sleep. He wasn't lucid enough to form coherent thoughts, but the hot pain in his heart was at the center of his attention and in the back of his mind, a tearing sensation that grew with each breath.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Pointless Exercise

Here I sit again, not understanding why I have to write.  There is nothing for me to say.  I do not have an "unique" perspective.  Sure, I've been through some shit, but so have many other.  My pain is not a valuable and uncommon experience, nor am I able to eloquently convey my internal state.  I am a hack who pretends to be an artist, but without a compelling viewpoint and with no voice.  That is why I don't write, that is why I don't paint. I love doing these things, but I can not do them well.

I'm not sure why my therapist wants me to engage in this pointless exercise.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Spinning plates

I find myself reevaluating my entire life. When I made that mistake was it ADHD? How about this habit? So much if what I considered personality or moral failings might turn it to be interested ADHD. My strategy up till now has been to try harder and harder to force myself to keep strict schedules and to try and control everythin. This has the effect of ratcheting up my anxiety and making me feel incredibly bad about myself when I continue to fail.

A long running metaphor I've used to explain my experience is that I'm spinning plates. Just the basic maintenance work of daily life feels unmanageable. I can force myself to do it for a while, but I eventually my willpower fails and I sink into a depression. The plates come crashing down in a hail of self loathing.

If it's ADHD and not just my own personal failing, then maybe I can find coping strategies. And by managing my ADHD I'll finally be able to have a manageable life.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Hyperactive - Impulsive ADHD

- often fidgets with outer tasks hands or squirmed in seat.

I've seen someone talk about doodling as a form of this which I do all the time. I drum with my fingers and play finger games. I don't like staying seated for looking periods and like to sit in strange positions like cross-legged.
Applies currently and much more so in childhood (work, home, school, social).

- often leaves seat in situations when remaining seated is expected (e.g., leaves his or her place in the classroom, in the office or other workplace, or in other situations that require remaining in place.

I used to choose a seat at the edge of room so I could stand without getting in anyone's way.
Applies currently and in childhood (school, work).

- often runs about or climbs in situations where it is inappropriate (e.g., in adolescents or adults, may be limited to feeling restless).

I feel so restless, like all the time. Mom says I used to run around all the time as a kid.
Applies currently and in childhood (work, school, home, social).

- often unable to play or engage in leisure activities quietly.

I don't think so.

- is often "on the go" acting as if "driven by a motor" (e.g., is unable to be or uncomfortable being still for extended time, as in restaurants, meetings; may be experienced by others as being restless or difficult to keep up with).

Kinda? I am certainly uncomfortable sitting still for long periods of time, but I mostly fidget or multitask, or play games in my head.
Not sure if this applies.

- often talks excessively.

When I start talking, I talk a lot.
Applies currently and in childhood (home, school, work, social).

- often blurts out answers before questions have been completed (e.g., completes people's sentences; cannot wait for turn in conversation).

Sigh, yeah. I'm always completing people's sentences and I've been told repeatedly that I butt in.
Applies currently and in childhood (school, work, home, social).

- often has difficulty awaiting turn (e.g., while waiting in line).

Not really.

- often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g. butts into conversations, games, or activities. may start using other people's things without asking or receiving permission; for adolescents and adults, may intrude into or take over what others are doing).

I do have a problem with butting into conversations, and as a kid i often used things without asking permission. With friends and family I do tend to insert myself into conversations and activities.
Applies currently and in childhood if doing it with friends, acquaintances and family counts (home, work, social).


TOTAL:
6- Applies
1 - Not sure
2 - Does not apply

Inattentive ADHD

So the Dr thinks I might have ADHD and I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that. So here's my idea, I take a look at all the diagnostic criteria and try to parse if it currently applies, if I had this symptom in childhood, in what contexts it applies (home, school, work, social) and any coping strategies I've developed to deal with the symptom. I'm gonna start with the inattentive criteria first.

- often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or during other activities (e.g. overlooks or misses details, work is inaccurate).

Examples: spelling and grammatical errors, formatting errors, forgetting to take tags off clothes, and simple math errors. I am constanyly going back to a text, or a post or comment on Facebook or Reddit and noticing mistakes that I end up editing (mostly to late). Coping strategies: try to force myself to double and triple check work, and use automated checking tools like spell check.
Applies currently and in childhood (home, work, school).

- often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities (e.g., has difficulty remaining focused during lectures, conversations, or lengthy reading).

This one is more difficult. I do have a hard time focusing on somethings, like lectures, reading material I am not particularly interested in, or even just sitting and watching TV. I don't have a problem generally staying engaged in one on one conversations. Coping strategies: doing multiple things at once, like with my phone while watching TV, or doodling.
Applies currently and in childhood (home, work, school, social).

- often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly (e.g., mind seems elsewhere, even in the absence of any obvious distraction).

Does not apply.

- often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish school work, chores, or duties in the work place (e.g., starts tasks but quickly loses focus and is easily sidetracked).

I feel like I do this a lot with art projects and writing. Also was a problem at work with bigger projects. Not sure if I do it with chores, have a harder time starting but once I get going it's easier. Coping strategies: none really
Currently applies to big projects and applied more across the board when I was a kid (school, work, home).

- often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities (e.g., difficulty managing sequential tasks; difficulty keeping materials and belongings in order; messy, disorganized work; has poor time management; fails to meet deadlines).

I tend to do the interesting stuff and put off or just ignore the mundane tasks. I find it especially difficult to prioritize. I frequent do work last minute and often miss deadlines. I am regularly late for social engagements. Coping strategies: Covey- type checklists with each task subdivided into other timed tasks. Timers and alarms to force mess to get out of the door on time.
Applies currently and in childhood (work, home, school, social).

- often avoids or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort (e.g. schoolwork or homework; for older adolescents and adults, preparing reports, completing forms, reviewing lengthy papers).

OMG, reports are the bane of my existence, they make me angry and I avoid and procrastinate. I also avoided homework and as education became more demanding I did worse and worse in large part because of my avoidances of homework. Coping strategies: art work I started forcing myself to do reports right off the bat or at a scheduled time (with an alarm). I also automate forms and turn them into templates.
Applies currently and in childhood (home, work, school).

- often loses things necessary for tasks or activities (e.g., school materials, pencils, books, tools, wallets, keys, paperwork, eyeglasses, mobile telephones).

Constantly losing my phone, pens, papers, etc. Coping strategies: I don't lose my wallet anymore because I combined it with my phone, and I can just say, "Hey Siri," top find my phone. I hang up my keys as soon as I get in the house, also belt clip for keys. Put all work in my bag so it lives there. I get a bit obsessive about everything having a home so i don't lose it.
Applies currently and in childhood (home, work, social).

- is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli (e.g., for older adolescents and adults may include unrelated thoughts).

I do tend to channel surf and go down internet rabbit holes, abandoning one line of investigation for something new that's also interesting. I also have lots of random thoughts, trend to get caught up in tangents in conversation. Will notice something that needs to be done and I abandon what I'm currently working on top take care of it real quick (not infrequently leads to further tangents). Coping strategies: limiting distractions.
Applies currently and in childhood (home, work, school, social).

- is often forgetful in daily activities (e.g., doing chores, running errands; for older adolescents and adults, returning calls, paying bills, keeping appointments).

I will forget what I went to the store to buy, to pay my bills and to make appointments. I will forget about needing to do a chore. Coping strategies: lists, alarms and reminders, also keeping it right in front of me so I remember to do it.
Applies currently and in childhood (home, work, school, social).


TOTAL:
5 - Applies fully
3 - Applies somewhat
1 - Does not apply

Monday, May 8, 2017

Still hating this

I dont want to be writing this blog.

This image is from some homework my tgerapist wanted me to do. She is trying to help me get away from black and white thinking, so she asked me to conceptualize my relationship with my mother as a spectrum instead of only two choices: forgiveness or rejection.

I struggled with what could be in between those two choices until I saw that it was a false dichotomy. It's not even a spectrum with opposites at either end. I could choose to do neither, or both, and that breaks up my whole way of seeing my relationship with her. Instead of labeling her either a villain or a sick woman in need of help, I'm forced to look at every point where our live's touch and decide how I want to proceed on a case by case basis.

Upon closer examination it seems these dichotomies are built into the basic code of my OS. It's how I decide what's right and wrong, what's moral and immoral. I don't have to struggle with how to respond to any little situation, because if I can label something then how I act is already predetermined based on that label. Furthermore, labels have associations. The more I can put people and situations into clearly defined boxes, the mister sure I am of the world and the more control I feel I have.

In times of trauma I tend to tighten up those definitions and hold to them more rigidly.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Therapy Homework

My therapist wants me to "blog about my unique life experiences." I'm not sure if this is to make me realize that my complaints about people not understanding me are exaggerated since I'll only write trite drivel, or if she's trying to help me express myself. I guess we'll see.

Maintaining myself

It's been fairly easy in this hermit lifestyle to maintain a sense of myself, even if I wasn't sure what I wanted it of life. Now th...