Monday, August 7, 2017

Things i'm afraid of

i am absolutely terrified that i'm not going to find anyone to hire me. And even if i do, will i be able to keep the job without fucking it up? And will i be able to juggle this new (presumably) office job and go back to school so i can become an adult and have a real career? Will i be able to save money for when i'm old?

Will my doctor take pity on me and proscribe the medicines i need to function or will they find some reason to deny me? Will i be able to exercise and lose weight and be healthy or will i fall into old patterns and get humongous again? Will Kelly lose interest in me?

Will i be able to make enough money so that Kelly and i can live together? Will i be able to find a place for us to live in the city? And if not in the city will Kelly feel fulfilled living in suburbs? Will He resent me for holding him back? Would i be ok living in the suburbs? Will i be able to take Slick with me? Will she be heartbroken to be separated from Minerva? Will Minerva be ok? Will Jesse and the kids be ok? Will i be abandoning them?

Is all this "self sufficiency" just a blip and will i collapse back into myself? Am i just deluding myself to think i can make a life work? Will Kelly see how broken i really am and chose to run away from the drama? Will my job (when i get one) see how unqualified i am and fire me? Will the community i've becoming a part of see the pathetic poser that i am and shun me?

How long can i trick people into liking me before this all blows up?

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