Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Overwhelmed and Overstimulated

Today was not a good day. I had my first group therapy session: a mindfulness meditation class. I've been doing so well with my solitary chakra meditations that when my therapist suggested this I thought maybe it would be ok. It was not. As we practiced I was swamped with emotion seemingly out of nowhere. It was like I was drowing in an overwhelming flood. When the session ended I was sad and irritated and exhausted, and I had a headache.

I walked home confused. The meditation was very similar to what I do daily, so why was my group experience so different from my solo experience? I reached out on Facebook to see if any of my friends had some insight.

Raven commented within minutes, "I am pretty sure I have told you before you are empathic and slightly spongy (for a lack of a better word) lol... I am not sure group meditation is best for ya... in my pagan opinion."

I replied, "I hadn't considered that being entirely present in the moment would include letting down my guards to the other participants emotions as well… I definitely am spongy, not going to argue with you there. I guess it makes sense that I'd respond this way, and that the flood would feel liked it came out of nowhere. Thanks, you've given me a new perspective on this."

I thought back to this weekend when Kelly and I were dancing and I got overstimulated. Maybe in opening myself up to the music I opened myself further to the energy of the crowd, and in struggling under the weight of their feelings I became hyperaware of their attentions and desire, to the point of paranoia.

I thought about my living situation and how I feel overwhelmed and irritable ever since the kids got out of school. Maybe their large emotions and being home all the time, combined with my lack of personal space, have left me feeling energetically accosted.

I think I need to keep in mind my empathic nature and porous aura when I interact with the world. And I am in desperate need of learning more effective shielding and warding techniques. If I want to engage with the world I need to find out how not to get swept away by it. I feel like a young X-Man who hasn't properly learned how to control his gifts and keeps hurting himself.

And as for today, I am worn out and done. Nonconsensual energy exchange leaves me feeling drained and violated. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

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