Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Fears and Anxieties as I reenter the world

  • Fat: I'm exercising and eating better. I've already lost some weight. I'm not unlovable because of my weight. I can be attractive and larger than my ideal weight. 
  • No money: I'm working on it. I get $10 a week, which isn't a lot but it's something. I'm working my way through the county program and may get some help with training. Goal now is to get a job with benefits. Goal in the future maybe go to school. 
  • No space: Not much I can do about that, but it'll resolve in time. 
  • No transportation: I have public transit and my feet for now. I'll eventually have the funds to maintain my car again. 
  • Getting pulled into others expectations: I'm not obligated to do anything I don't want to do. Even if I was in a relationship I am still me. Fuck other's expectations. What do I want? If it makes me uncomfortable then no, I won't do it. 
  • Can't be social or loved because of the above: fuck that. Do what you want, what you are able to do right now. If someone can't understand your limits then fuck them. It's their problem, not yours. You are whole as you are. You are ok. You are you and that is enough. 

Monday, June 19, 2017

Maintaining myself

It's been fairly easy in this hermit lifestyle to maintain a sense of myself, even if I wasn't sure what I wanted out of life. Now though that I'm venturing out into the world I'm getting overwhelmed and my sense of self and personal integrity are getting blurred.

I've always been an empath, probably as a self defense mechanism in an unstable household where my well-being depended on my parents capricious emotional states. It has its advantages. It's easy for me to read motivations and internal desires. But it also means I get lost in all the data points in analyzing. Micro expressions, subtle pauses or intonation changes, body language, smell… I lose track of who I am and what I want.

This applies to friends, family, room mates, romantic and sexual relationships, doctors, social workers, and employers.

I need to remember that I don't have to change my life to fit other people. I can maintain myself and still have relationships. I have no obligation to accommodate anyone.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Starting to feel like I'm spinning plates

So my life finally seems to be getting some traction. I have the job services at the county building, new depression meds, a diagnosis for ADHD and the promise of medication for that starting next month, regular exercise and meditation, been reading healthier, made some therapy breakthroughs, and I've started to make some new friends. All this is ramping up, and I feel myself starting to panic. After doing so little for so long, can I really do this?

One constant in my life that I start to feel like I'm juggling, or spinning plates, and I have to exert a tremendous effort to keep it all from crashing down. Eventually I run out of stamina and it does come crashing down. I don't want to repeat this pattern. I want my life to be manageable. I'm hoping that once I start treating the ADHD this feeling will fade. But I have no guarantee. I'm scared. I need medication and I need tools. I'm broke, but I need a book I think.

I'm also worried about the social thing because I have no money. I've been punting, but this is quickly going to become a problem. I need a solution for this. I should talk to my brother. :(

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Was it a mistake?

I did something I hadn't done in a decade, that I swore I would never do again. I don't want to go back to those dark days. Even so, there are a few interesting things that came out of the experience.

  1. It leveled me out. I felt calm and clear. More evidence that I need ADHD meds.
  2. I felt energy so intensely and clearly.
  3. I could manipulate energy so easily.
  4. My chakra points were on fire and I felt so in tune.
  5. It reaffirmed my belief that everything is vibrations.
  6. It was spiritual, it seemed like evidence that we are inherently beings of energy, which gave me hope that Gerard still exists.
  7. I was able to cast spells and see their effect. I reforged my withered bond with Gerard and made contact with him in his plane of existence.
  8. I felt his love, and peace and I felt acceptance from him.
  9. I felt that I was ok, perfect the way I am and I should live in what makes me unique.

There was more, but I can't remember it all at the moment. I don't want to go back to regular or even occasional usage, there are far better substances for spiritual experiences. But I am glad I did it. It rekindled the spark of hope inside me. It gave me room to be spiritual again.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Gerard vision

I did some magic to find Gerard. I looked for where he went when he died. I went back to the moment of his death when I saw his soul disappear. In my vision the room grow dark as he left his body. I saw him go to the lake with the black and white robbed men and the boat (his near death experience), and then I couldn't follow him anymore. I saw the bond we had forged, like a glowing rod connecting or should. I saw it brake as he traveled from this life into the next where I couldn't follow.

I went back to the bond and asked for help from one of his patron deities to repair it. It worked, I could feel him again, thiugh distant and somehow different: more confident, stronger, more than…

I asked him questions. Did he blame me? No. Was he upset with how I had used the insurance money? He understood how hard it was for me and was glad it helped give me some time to deal with my pain. Did he feel hurt that I was pissy there night he died? He felt responsible for my difficulties and thought it'd be better if he just passed away. That's why he let go. That's why he put the bond aside. He was trying to give me space to live. I apologized, said I love him still with my while heart. He said he loves me too and that he wasn't mad or hurt, he just wanted the best for me. He seemed happy and well.

At that moment I suddenly remembered all these wonderful times we had that up till now I have been blocked from. So many memories, one after the next for an hour or more. And then I saw what Gerard wanted. He always said he wished we had met when he was my age, and I saw a glimpse of what could have been. A perfect world where I wasn't abused and I got help for my ADHD, and where he and I met when we were the same age: both of us young and healthy. We danced and traveled and fucked and had a home. We adopted a child. We lived and shone so bright. It was breath takingly beautiful.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Trying to be social and it's scary

My therapist keeps wanting me to be more social, so on a whim I downloaded a dating app. It's an odd choice, cause I really don't want to be dating anyone. I'm not even sure if I want to hook up. I mean I get super horny, but I don't know if I'm ready for that. I'm so wary around people in general. As an experiment I was completely honest on my profile. I disclosed my HIV status at the top, I put that I'm a widow and that I'm just looking for friends. At least I don't feel like I'm hiding anything. Someone even asked me what I do for work and I said nanny without it feeling too awkward.

But now this guy wants to meet up and I don't know how I feel about that. He seems nice, and there was some chemistry. He just wants to meet for dinner. Meanwhile I don't have any money, or a place we could have sex if it got that far... even if I did I would still be scared I think. Not that kind of first date nervousness either. Full on afraid. There is no outcome to any of this which isn't terrifying for me. Good is awful because I am not ready to let someone in. Bad is awful because... of all the reasons bad dates are awful, lol. Even middle of the road blah is terrible. I don't feel ready.

But honestly, will I ever feel ready? I don't want to be doing any of this. So why am I? I seem to be saying that a lot lately.

New kind of boy

I'm realizing that I can't do this Daddy/boy relationship like I have done Dom/sub in the past. I've been slipping into old patt...