Monday, June 5, 2017

Gerard vision

I did some magic to find Gerard. I looked for where he went when he died. I went back to the moment of his death when I saw his soul disappear. In my vision the room grow dark as he left his body. I saw him go to the lake with the black and white robbed men and the boat (his near death experience), and then I couldn't follow him anymore. I saw the bond we had forged, like a glowing rod connecting or should. I saw it brake as he traveled from this life into the next where I couldn't follow.

I went back to the bond and asked for help from one of his patron deities to repair it. It worked, I could feel him again, thiugh distant and somehow different: more confident, stronger, more than…

I asked him questions. Did he blame me? No. Was he upset with how I had used the insurance money? He understood how hard it was for me and was glad it helped give me some time to deal with my pain. Did he feel hurt that I was pissy there night he died? He felt responsible for my difficulties and thought it'd be better if he just passed away. That's why he let go. That's why he put the bond aside. He was trying to give me space to live. I apologized, said I love him still with my while heart. He said he loves me too and that he wasn't mad or hurt, he just wanted the best for me. He seemed happy and well.

At that moment I suddenly remembered all these wonderful times we had that up till now I have been blocked from. So many memories, one after the next for an hour or more. And then I saw what Gerard wanted. He always said he wished we had met when he was my age, and I saw a glimpse of what could have been. A perfect world where I wasn't abused and I got help for my ADHD, and where he and I met when we were the same age: both of us young and healthy. We danced and traveled and fucked and had a home. We adopted a child. We lived and shone so bright. It was breath takingly beautiful.

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