Thursday, June 1, 2017

Trying to be social and it's scary

My therapist keeps wanting me to be more social, so on a whim I downloaded a dating app. It's an odd choice, cause I really don't want to be dating anyone. I'm not even sure if I want to hook up. I mean I get super horny, but I don't know if I'm ready for that. I'm so wary around people in general. As an experiment I was completely honest on my profile. I disclosed my HIV status at the top, I put that I'm a widow and that I'm just looking for friends. At least I don't feel like I'm hiding anything. Someone even asked me what I do for work and I said nanny without it feeling too awkward.

But now this guy wants to meet up and I don't know how I feel about that. He seems nice, and there was some chemistry. He just wants to meet for dinner. Meanwhile I don't have any money, or a place we could have sex if it got that far... even if I did I would still be scared I think. Not that kind of first date nervousness either. Full on afraid. There is no outcome to any of this which isn't terrifying for me. Good is awful because I am not ready to let someone in. Bad is awful because... of all the reasons bad dates are awful, lol. Even middle of the road blah is terrible. I don't feel ready.

But honestly, will I ever feel ready? I don't want to be doing any of this. So why am I? I seem to be saying that a lot lately.

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