Tuesday, July 25, 2017


Things are going well. Well enough that I'm concerned I may be secretly ignoring issues or red flags. I know this much, my medication is working. None of the SSRI's I've been on over the years have helped with my anxiety or depression one tenth as much as the doloxetine. I didn't know it was possible to feel this way. I know I have a high pain tolerance. I wonder if that applies to emotional pain as well and that's how I've survived all these years. The ADHD med is helpful as well, but I'm still on a super low dose. It'll be interesting to see how my life changes as we reach a stable point with that.

And again, it's all going so well that I'm nervous. Is this sustainable? Are all my demons just waiting in the wings to attack with renewed force? idk.

And then there is Kelly. I think I'm falling in love with him, and that's terrifying. Am I betraying Gerard? I swore I'd never love again. Am I diving into a new relationship so that I don't have to find a place of security within myself?

Mostly I don't think that's a problem. I feel very uncomfortable with Kelly when I don't feel like we're interacting as equals, so I don't think I'm looking to him to save me. That's why I'm hesitant about a Daddy/boy relationship with him. I can probably do Dom/sub, that feels less dependant. My Daddy/boy relationship with Gerard also plays into that. I don't want to try and recreate what I've lost. Maybe just calling him Sir our Papi or something instead of Dad…

As for betraying Gerard, I don't think he'd see it that way. He'd want me to find someone to love, he told me so many times. And it's not like I'm the only one growing and changing. When I've made contact with Gerard in the beyond he seemed different: healthy, confident, full of vitality and purpose. He also seemed busy. That's good, it means he's happy and continuing to grow. It means he's healing. I need to do the same.

So am I progressing? Yes. Am I scared I'll fail? Hell yeah I am. Is that going to stop me? Fuck no.

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